I am freaking out

I might just lose it. My co-worker/ office mate makes an AHHHHHHHHHHH noise after each and ever sip he takes. It doesn't matter if he is drinking a hot or cold beverage. It's always an AHHHHHHHHHHHH noise after the swallow. I want to say something to him about it, but if I do I know it is going to sound bad.

Fitness is important to me

The Magic of Being Me

As I was sitting in the waiting room of my doctor's office yesterday, I quietly passed gas and I felt the gas bubble up into my downstairs lady part. It reminded me of a time long ago when I was headed to Chesterfield Mall with my mother and sister and I asked, "Do your farts ever bubble up towards your vagina?" And they both replied, "I have no idea what you are talking about." After many failed attempts of trying to describe exactly how my farts bubbled up towards my privates, I gave up and understood my farts and vagina to be somewhat magical. But it wasn't until yesterday that I learned how magical they in fact truly are. It was as I was walking through the grocery store, after leaving the doctor's office, that I felt the fart that bubbled up into my downstairs lady part escape. Now I sure can queef on command, but I have never farted a bubble into my vajayjay that later made its way out. It felt as though I farted a rainbow and birthed a unicorn. And that is the magic of being me.

Love Is...

Apparently love is having a girlfriend and exploring other lady friend relationships and this really confuses me. I like a boy and I am pretty sure he likes me, but he has a girlfriend and yet still emails, calls and wants to hang out with me. And when we have hung out he pays for me and is not with tons of cash. I keep trying to make it "dutch" because he does have a girlfriend and is broke, but I suppose these are not my problems. Dearest diary, what am I to do?

Bjorn Porn

Just the other day I was hanging out with my friend and her baby. Her baby was strapped to her in the Bjorn. She was talking about how her and her husband had been having lots of sex recently. Which made me wonder if her husband ever took her from behind while she was wearing the baby in the Bjorn while making a sex tape. So I asked her and learned that that was not something they were in the habit of doing. Personally, I think it would make for great porn. But that's b/c I think porn is hilarious.

I WANT MY 2 DOLLARS

My dumb cunt of an employer owes me over two thousand dollars from my 2008 commissions. She told me she needed to give me a week off unpaid and then a few weeks later told me she didn't have the money to give me a raise so she wanted me to take a week off paid, stating that one had nothing to do with the other. She makes no sense. She's an insane cunt who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. When I was venting to one of my co-workers (when I first started working here) about her smoking my cigarettes and stealing my Ju Ju Fruits the response I got was, "Wait 'til she puts her finger in your hummus." She eats anything and everything belonging to anyone in the office b/c she honestly thinks it's hers being that she signs our checks. This was proven when our freelance accountant asked to be paid on her invoice. The dumb boss cunt's reply, "I cannot pay it in full!" The freelance accountant then asked again to be paid explaining that she helps cover her parents rent and that she needs to be paid in order to do that. The stupid cunt boss then begrudgingly gave her two hundred dollars in cash and said, "I hate that I have to pay your parents rent."

Dear Bike Riders

Ride your fucking bikes. Do not bring them on the subway. So it's raining and you don't like to ride your bike in the rain. Sorry, start checking the fucking weather. Sucks to be you. Stop making your problems my problems assholes. Bikes are to be ridden not to ride the subway. Oh and when you ride your fucking bike, ride it in the street. Sidewalks are for walking. Thanks.

I Want That Thing

That one thing where everyone is just like bring it. Like MJ and his moonwalk. Where you wait for it and he brings it and you're just like yeeeeeeeeeeeeah. I want that thing. I'd like to do that to people.

Michael Jackson Beat It?!?!?!?!?!?!?

The man in the mirror is no longer in the mirror. I am out of my mind. My childhood is gone. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to morn. CNN has not yet reported him dead. TMZ and Perez Hilton say otherwise. Sheesh. What's going on? What happens with Paris, Prince Michael and Blanket?

Obsessed

First, I needed an intervention from watching too much Intervention. Now, I am totally obsessed with Obsessed. I was not so into it at first, but after last night's episode where a woman kept her miscarriage in her freezer for seven years in a brown paper bag, I was sold. Thanks A&E. Keep up the good work.